Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever

If I had two brownies, I’d give you one

little corner off of one

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.

I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.

no one ever comes back

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.

A new level of troll.

Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.

I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it

I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum

I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.

You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

[job interview]

BOSS: biggest weakness?

ME: I never know when to quit

BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired

ME: I quit

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking

COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …

the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse

Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!

Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.