Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs

Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you

I feel it

I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*

I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

are americans worse off?

in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.