Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

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my mum has bad english (she’s thai) and sometimes it’s hard to communicate. yesterday we were arguing, going back and forth until she ended my career by saying ‘you will never understand… i am rice, you are potato’ and tbh… i’m still trying to think of a comeback,, respect


[first BDSM session]

Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?

Me: fwerd


Me: *flinching* FWERD


*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*


You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.


Doctor: I have good news and bad news

Me: What’s the good news?

Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way


The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”

“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman

“£20,000 and she’s all yours”


Overheard in a restaurant. Grandma: “Oh, I could really go for a Quickie right about now!” Grandpa: “It’s pronounced a Quiche, dear!”


My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.


[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5