Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
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[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Worst Native American name ever.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*