Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”

Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.

[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*

Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.

I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:

•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.

Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!

How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.

Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.

i don’t think it’ll all fit in there

Body: I’m sooooooo tired

Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.