Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.

It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.

Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

[diner]

ME: I’ll have the eggs, please

WAITER: how would you like those?

ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.

Celery is depressing green water wafers.

“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”

date: I’m a really big people person

frankenstein: omg, same

God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ….ya

I can’t stop watching this.

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do

apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”

My neighbors were arguing and I opened the door to see what was going on and the lady was like “Lower your voice neighbors can hear you” and the man was like “MAN F*CK THAT NOSY A** LADY”

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

*Romantically carries pizza over threshold

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.

out-housing market appears to be strong

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.