Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]

[Bed time]

Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?

My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am

when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.

(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?

Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.

Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.

Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?

Him: Yes.

Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.