“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
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We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a