Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

me: I want to buy some drugs

dealer: are you a cop

me: would I get a discount

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

*giving my sister parenting advice*

Me: So, you lift them like this.

Sister: Okay.

M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.

S: [picks up pillow]

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

When did white people become such fucking pussies?

ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.

Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table

Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic

[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*

My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”

Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s

Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

6. me as a lawyer

[GOP Debate]

MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?

CRUZ: what?

MODERATOR: I knew it!

If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.

He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.

Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.

Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.

Me: Oh great, another reboot!

This staff meeting could have been a haiku.

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

The best shot in the history of golf

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.