Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.

Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….

Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”

Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.

hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time

Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine

4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.

Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough

[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?

[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

Where is your GOD now????

God: you’re a kiwi.

Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?

God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.

Kiwi: really what’s that?

God: you can smell through your beak so good!

Kiwi:

God:

Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?

God: sure!

Kiwi: I smell bullsh-

*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey

Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.

i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk

My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?

My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”

WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?

Me watching recorded TV shows

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

Five Secrets of Successful People:

1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets

My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.