Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.

All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward

To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running

me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes

my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

“I will cook for you.” I threatened

So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™

Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.

The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.

I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.

*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*

Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.

Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.

Her: Don’t you have a child?

My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends