Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
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So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
“I FIXED IT!”
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”