Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
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Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!