Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
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Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Dead sexy!!
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked