Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
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When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
you should fight them
– me as a therapist
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I need this for my side hustle.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.