Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*First bite of pancakes

“This is the greatest food ever!”

*Last bite of pancakes

“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”

Me: hands up, this is a robbery?

7-11 cashier:

Therapist: what did we talk about

Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle

Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar

Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license

Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?

Delightful if true: booby trap.

Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

Me and kiddo listening to music in car:

In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶

Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover

*20 min later at the grocery store*

Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?

Stranger:😳

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.

Lost my job as a bus driver.

Should I call tech support or pray or what

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class

me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.