Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
You Might Also Like
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating