Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

[Invention of Tennis]

“…and you just try to hit it back to me”

Wow, that’s really simple

“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”

For sure that’s the best part about it

“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”

Exactly! No weird stuff

“Yeah”

So how do you keep score?

After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

me: going to the gym

friend: but it’s 2AM

me: got to exercise my demons

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?

me: sure

waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich

me: those things are on the normal menu

waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18

me: they’re usually $12

waiter: today they’re special

Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years

zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?

me: no, not yet!

zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do

Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.

*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?

Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?

scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one

gen z: what

scientist: what

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.

I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!