Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
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If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
this is the kind of friend i am
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.