Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
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Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
My dating profile:
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
eating my hot dog hamburger style