Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.

JOHN: Dad, we know.

OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.

GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.

“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.

I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”

And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..

Adulthood is about finding three things:

1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?

Me: What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.

“Well I guess I better get ready for work”

*gets out of bed*

“Ok I’m ready”

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.

I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.

“Ok what do we got here?”

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with

When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!

~Me. Speed dating.

nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret

Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.

If Reincarnation ends up being real…

Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*