Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.

a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock

Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

🥲

Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.

kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs

The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all

me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.

The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.

When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

*goes back in time

*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

Do you smoke after sex?

Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?

schrödinger: yes and no

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day

Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains

wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*