Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.

[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier

I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher

Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”

oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.

[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.

I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…

What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.

What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.