Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

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I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.


Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.


At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.


[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering

Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs

Me: How much funding do you need


Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.