Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells

Wife: Who. Was. She

16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out

Blocked: 1985

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”

But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

A Roomba, but to shave my legs.

Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs

People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!

Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

U talkin 2 me?

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.