Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?

Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”

[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!

Plant care tips

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.

For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.

Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

In dog beers I’ve only had 2.

I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.

1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated

“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer

My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

~ The Okra Show

Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?

Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

[sees friend at the store]

“Hi”

Hey

“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.

Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.

Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.