Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
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Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Finally! 😈
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time