“Hey, let’s get the guys that built the Obamacare website to update our app!”

– Twitter

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If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved


If it acts like a duck, sounds like a duck and looks like a duck, then it is probably some girl on Instagram taking a selfie.



MIDWIFE: The baby’s


ME [stops playing pan pipes] Is the nurse being too loud, love?


The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.


MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked


Until you learn how to hate yourself, you’ll never be able to truly hate anyone else.


If you’ve never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive “to work” to get a chick to leave your house then you’re not me.


I hired a personal trainer and my first 2 hour-long sessions were just him teaching me how to properly cut the sleeves off my t-shirts


Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.