If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
“Hey, let’s get the guys that built the Obamacare website to update our app!”
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If it acts like a duck, sounds like a duck and looks like a duck, then it is probably some girl on Instagram taking a selfie.
WIFE [in labour] GOD MAKE IT STOP
MIDWIFE: The baby’s
WIFE: NO, THE NOISE
ME [stops playing pan pipes] Is the nurse being too loud, love?
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Is this thing on?
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Until you learn how to hate yourself, you’ll never be able to truly hate anyone else.
If you’ve never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive “to work” to get a chick to leave your house then you’re not me.
I hired a personal trainer and my first 2 hour-long sessions were just him teaching me how to properly cut the sleeves off my t-shirts
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.