“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
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ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones