@Shock_Monster

“Hey, let’s get the guys that built the Obamacare website to update our app!”

– Twitter

You Might Also Like

@AndyRichter

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved

@bkdcasey

If it acts like a duck, sounds like a duck and looks like a duck, then it is probably some girl on Instagram taking a selfie.

@ArfMeasures

WIFE [in labour] GOD MAKE IT STOP

MIDWIFE: The baby’s

WIFE: NO, THE NOISE

ME [stops playing pan pipes] Is the nurse being too loud, love?

@longwall26

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

@NamestartswithZ

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

@dadopotamus

Until you learn how to hate yourself, you’ll never be able to truly hate anyone else.

@Sal0630

If you’ve never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive “to work” to get a chick to leave your house then you’re not me.

@Mr_Kapowski

I hired a personal trainer and my first 2 hour-long sessions were just him teaching me how to properly cut the sleeves off my t-shirts

@rachelle_mandik

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.