Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!

[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]

me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

Me: I just really want to kick this habit

Therapist: You want to kick nuns?

Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction

Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?

Me: punching nuns

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

ME: *moistens lips with tongue*

DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again

Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.

Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost

Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out

Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

Cher: Do you believe in life after love?

Me: *checks dictionary*

No.