“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
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do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
[eulogy]
line?
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.