“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
You Might Also Like
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?