Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of “Didn’t Make Me Any Cookies Weekly” again. “What good is she to anyone?” it says.
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Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Buddy of mine dropped some acid… Burnt a hole in the floor… He was tripping for days!
When I die I want my remains poured out of an airplane over the Grand Canyon. But don’t cremate me. Just dump my body on some tourists.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Friend: “Hey, that girl is cute. Can you put in a good word for me?”
*walks up to girl*
Hangs a sign on front door that says “Robbery in progress – Please do not disturb” to deter burglars