@vladchoc

Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of “Didn’t Make Me Any Cookies Weekly” again. “What good is she to anyone?” it says.

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@EffdotEss

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

@P1ssed_K1d

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

@murrman5

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

@ThugRaccoons

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

@MarlaCaceres

I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.

@PortRooster

Buddy of mine dropped some acid… Burnt a hole in the floor… He was tripping for days!

@hazelmotes1

When I die I want my remains poured out of an airplane over the Grand Canyon. But don’t cremate me. Just dump my body on some tourists.

@GrantTanaka

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

@Jamdug

Friend: “Hey, that girl is cute. Can you put in a good word for me?”
Me: “Sure”
*walks up to girl*
*whispers* “magnanimous”

@ScorpionDong

Hangs a sign on front door that says “Robbery in progress – Please do not disturb” to deter burglars