Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
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People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
(Jupiter –
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.