‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
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You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period