‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
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My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Feels like the fourth month in January
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.