“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
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I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming