“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
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13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.