Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
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Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
when unicorns get really drunk
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it