Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber

*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”

love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one

2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*

Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

what do you want

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan