Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,

Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.

Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.

Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?

145 year old me: God, I’m fat

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article

me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you

my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.

I’ve watched this 17,467 times

“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”

– said no mom, ever

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

Peter Parker Peter Driver

3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving

Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.

3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”

😬

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs