Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
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My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people