Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
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Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Oh thanks BBC.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Home #decor warning.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.