Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
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I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
(Jupiter –
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Happy thanksgiving!
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds