Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.

Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.

So sick of all these stupid rules

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.

She’ll come back knocking!!!

Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”

He didn’t even die.

Killing people with kindness is hard.

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.