Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
You Might Also Like
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Smile they said.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.