Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
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The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair