“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
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so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.