Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.

Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?

Thoughts while driving:

-Hope that light stays green.

-Hope it stays yellow.

-Hope no one saw me run that red light.

Friend: How’s the new job?

Me: Can’t complain

Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?

Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.

ME: Hi mirror

BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk

ME: Hi mirror

BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.

She wasn’t like other girls.

She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.

And prom was in one week…

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.

why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house

estão todos miauvindo?

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.

those birds must be on payroll

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends

The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.