Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
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I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
a New Yorker reject, for you
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups