Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
You Might Also Like
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?