hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
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telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”