hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
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I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
#DesignFail
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”