Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
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took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Merry Christmas
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work