Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
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Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Holy shit he’s back
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.