Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
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i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
can’t catch a break
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.