Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
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Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
cry laughing at this shit
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?