Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
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[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)