Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.

There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.

After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.

Me: *brings home new puppy*

My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend

Mad Max Arctic Road

8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”

8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*

Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.

Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.

Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

I’m listening

priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]

10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”

Anyways it was Eminem.

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)

I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”