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ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.