Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
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[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”