Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
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5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.