Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
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Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
My first son he is wonderful
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Ugh but profoundly
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year