Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
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spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*