Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb

Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.

My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying

“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.

Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.

Schrödinger’s cookie

Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!

The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?

Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

So I just moved into my new apartment.

Directly below me is a police station.

It would appear that I am above the law.

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.