hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
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I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I didn’t realize that was an option
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”