Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I quit my job to become an archeologist.

My career is in ruins.

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

yikes

“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”

-Veterinarians

Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name

20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.

the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?

Meet my cat.

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.

When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.

For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

“Waitress!”

Waitress: “Sir?”

“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*

My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.

Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

Him: I like you.

Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.

What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

[church fundraiser]

me: *takes out a $100*

priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child

me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.

If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.