Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right

-Goldilocks on Tinder

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

HER: so I hear you’re a runner

ME: yes

OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know

My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”

Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then

Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

“WHAT DO WE WANT”

“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”

“SOMETIME SOON”

On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop

So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

him: I’m gonna kill you

me: oh no

him: with kindness

me: awww

him: kindness is my pet wolf

me: oh no again

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.

BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.