Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
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Bread puns are on the rise!
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Said the murderer.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.