Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
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Oh we’ve met.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
for all #parents out there