Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
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Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Saturday
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right