Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.

thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess

[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?

Warm pools make me nervous.

when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.

Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.

The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

Do furries go to doctors or vets?

*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.

Wait for it! 🤣👏😝

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.

maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.