Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift

*calls 911*

Hey, I found some big guns.

*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

Well, my evening plans are ruined

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

writer: it’s based on a book

movie producer: ok

writer: about a boy who lived

producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave

writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat

producer: wait

Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?

Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory

Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits

[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]

GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—

TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

When a shoelace touches your ankle

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?

Sit. Down.

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

chews marshmallows with bovine intensity