Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
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ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.