Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
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Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual