Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

won’t smith

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?

We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain

[on a stakeout]

COP: did you bring your walkie talkie

ME: no but I do have a runny nosey

If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby

“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

oh you like architecture? name three walls

Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?

Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack

I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”

Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.

“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”

3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.

When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”

that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker